I can’t get my daughter out of my bed…
Dear Mrs. Pickle,
My daughter just turned 4 years-old and we’ve always had sleep issues. Currently this is this situation: Every night at 1 am she comes into my room and I have to take her back to her room. She cries and asks for me to lie next to her. I say just for a minute but I’m an older mom and exhausted and I usually fall asleep. I know this is sending mixed messages but this way we both get sleep, otherwise if I leave she will cry and come out of her room and it will go on all night long.
We started doing a sticker chart where she earns a sticker every night she sleeps in her room all night long by herself and have had limited success. She earned one toy just fine with three stickers, but now doesn’t seem to care about it. We’ve also taken away privileges such as her favorite movie, and again that works for a few days then she doesn’t care. My day care provider is also trying to help by rewarding her when she sleeps in her room all night as well. But now, you guessed it, this doesn’t work any more either. We’ve talked about it, she’s always game for the idea when she goes to bed at night and says she wants to sleep in her room all night. But at 1 am that’s all forgotten. Any ideas? She currently takes no naps (otherwise she is up until 1 am!) and she goes to bed between 9 – 9:30 pm. She wakes up at 7:30 am.
Thank you! – Johanna
Dear Johanna,
My first recommendation to you is to put your daughter to bed at a much earlier hour. 9:00 is a very late bedtime for a 4 year old. At this age, children need a lot of sleep and, especially since she no longer naps, should be in bed for the night no later than 7:00 or so.
She is waking at night because she is overtired and cannot get into the deep, quality sleep state that she requires because of this. An earlier bedtime will eventually cause her to be well-rested enough to sleep the entire night through. As far as her getting out of bed, during the daytime tell her the following: “Tonight is going to be very different. Mommy loves you very, very much, but you cannot get out of your bed in the middle of the night and come into my room, and I can not sleep in your room. If you do get out of bed, I will not look at you or talk to you and I will put you back in your bed for you to go back to sleep.” It is important to be firm yet loving when you tell her this, and to do so during a time that is calm and far from bedtime. At lunch or playtime is a good idea.
The next step is to be sure to do what you have told her you are going to do at night. This means if she gets up you take her by the hand (or pick her up if you have to) and gently put her back into her bed. It is important not to be emotional when you do this. The first time you can say “Go to sleep,” however you must not speak or look at her if she gets out again. Very simply continue to take her back to her bed no matter how many times she gets out. This may be an exhausting first night, however two or three nights of this will eliminate her nighttime behavior for good.
Best of luck,
Mrs. Pickle
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Dear Mrs. Pickle,
I have an almost 5 month-old little girl. I am having a hard time getting her on a good nap schedule and sleeping longer through the night. She is breastfed. I have a job that allows me to be home until 2:00 with her on Monday through Thursday but I don’t get home until 8:00 PM on these nights. Then Friday she is with my mom during the day. Saturday and Sunday home with me or her dad.
I nurse her between 7:30 and 8:30 PM then down to bed between 8 and 9PM. Usually with no problem. But she is up and crying by 11:00pm. I nurse her and put her right back down with no problem. Then back up by 3:00. Nurse her again then back down until between 6:30 and 8:00 AM.
During the day I try and get her down at 11 for a nap. She only sleeps about 45 minutes. I drop her off to my moms at 2:00. She usually sleeps for 2 hours there but always in a swing and the time she goes down varies between 3:00 and 4:00 PM.
I want to get her on a better napping schedule at home and at night. How can I get her to sleep longer at night and for her naps at home?
THANK YOU
Sleepy Mommy
Dear Sleepy Mommy,
Juggling work and a baby is an extremely difficult task, as I know firsthand. However, the key is to try to keep your baby on an appropriate sleep schedule regardless of who is caring for her at any given time.
My first recommendation is to write up a schedule so that everyone who is looking after her is on the same page schedule-wise with your little one. Babies thrive on schedules, so it is important for your daughter to know what to expect no matter where she is. As far as your current routine goes, I would suggest making some changes as follows.
My first recommendation is to put your baby to bed at a much earlier hour. I do realize that you get home late a few nights a week, but it is very important that your baby be put to bed earlier, even if that means you are not the one to put her to bed on those nights. Approximately 6:00 is an appropriate bedtime. Of course, watch for her tired cues. Rubbing her eyes may be one of them. It is important to observe your daughter and the clock to know what is the best bedtime for her.
The key is to put her to bed BEFORE she gets overtired which, for this age group, is usually around the 6:00 hour. This will NOT cause her to wake earlier in the morning. In fact, you will notice that quite the opposite will be true. I believe your daughter is overtired by the time she is going to bed for the night and this is the reason she is waking so often, not because she is truly hungry. At this age, most babies can go through the night without any feedings or at least only one. I recommend responding only once to her, choosing the time you truly believe she is hungry. In addition, when you go to her be sure you are all-business. No bright lights, no diaper change, no talking, and no eye contact. This will show her that nighttime is for sleeping.
When she wakes up in the morning, she should be going back in for a nap within approximately an hour and a half, more or less depending on how quickly she gets tired, but usually between 8:30AM and 9:00AM. After she wakes up from this nap, she should be ready for her 2nd one sometime between 12:00PM and 1:00PM. These are age-appropriate nap times for a 5 month old, however you must be sure to look at your baby as well as the clock to determine the best sleep times for her. It is important that both of these naps are without motion or sound, and with very little light. In her crib would be best or, in your case, in a separate room from the rest of the commotion when she is being cared for by someone else. In addition, each nap should be an hour minimum, and if she wakes before then, she should be left to fall back asleep for a significant amount of time.
She may also require a third, variable nap around 3:00 or so, which should only last 1/2 hour or so and can be with movement, sound, and light (ie. in the stroller). Don’t forget to develop a sleep routine that is followed every night to let her know it is nighttime.
Best of luck,
Mrs. Pickle
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Dear Mrs. Pickle,
I have an 11 month-old daughter that has been taking two pretty regular naps at 10am until about 11am, then again around 2pm until about 3pm every day. Her usual bedtime is 8pm and she sleeps until 7-7:30 AM regularly, and sometimes until after 8am.
But her naps have been getting shorter and shorter. Today for example her morning nap was only about 40 minutes, and her afternoon only 25min. She has been somewhat difficult to get down also…she will get up and play rather than go to sleep.
Do you think it is possible that she is phasing out a nap? I’ve tried just laying her down at 12:30 only…but she is still not sleeping even an hour & gets very, very cranky at night. I’m not sure what to do. Should I try to get her on one nap? Do I need to start putting her to bed earlier? Both?
Any advice you have would be great!! Thanks a bunch!
Erin
Anchorage, AK
Dear Erin,
Deciding when to switch a baby to one nap is always a struggle, however I do believe that 11 months is too early for one nap. It is true that your daughter may be beginning to give up the morning nap, however this should be a slow and gradual process that may last months. My recommendation to you is first to put her to bed at a much earlier hour. Anywhere from 6:00 – 6:30PM is a good time, with an even earlier bedtime if she seems overtired or cranky. This will NOT cause her to wake up too early in the morning.
Right now she is resisting going to bed at night because after months of going to bed so late she has accumulated an overtired state that is relatively constant right now. In order to get her to be better rested, she needs to go to bed earlier. In addition, if she had been napping well at 10AM and 2PM, you can go back to this, even if she is not taking a full hour morning nap. Her afternoon nap is the important one right now, as she is going to eventually phase the morning nap out, but not for a few months at least. Remember not to be too strict about the nap times, however, and if she seems tired before 10:00 AM you can put her in for her first nap even earlier.
Best of luck,
Mrs. Pickle
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