Outnumbered
Posted by: Jason Mayo, January 19, 2009 in 3:35 pm
In my almost six and a half years of being a Dad, I have learned and observed many things. Some of these things I have been able to utilize in my daily life. Some of the many findings are completely and utterly useless. However, I have ultimately catalogued most, if not all of the significant information in a Parenting Dictionary of sorts. I have never shared this information with anyone. Not even my beloved wife. I feel that some of my observations might be useful to new parents as well as the seasoned guardian or caregiver. Today, for reasons far beyond your comprehension, I have decided to share a small portion of this informational goodness. Today is your lucky day. Take notes, print out this post and file it away with your grandmother’s secret sponge cake recipe. I will remove this blog post in exactly 72 hours. I will bury the Parenting Dictionary in a time capsule along with my Iron Maiden Records, my Smurf figurines and my Peter Gabriel, SO painted denim jacket. Here are a few essential definitions from the book…
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, January 12, 2009 in 2:40 pm
In my dream, it’s like I’m really there. It’s so real I can touch the grass. It’s so vivid I can taste the rain on my lips. It’s so lucid that I swear I can still smell her perfume when I wake up from my slumber. But when I awaken I realize much to my disappointment, that it is only a dream. If I could only sleep twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I’d be able to spend more time with her… My sweet, sweet Oprah.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, January 4, 2009 in 9:49 pm
Tonight was a huge night for me. I’m a San Diego Chargers fan. First round playoff game against the Indianapolis Colts. Great match up. I’m a huge sports fan and I take my football seriously. I do all the typical insane fan stuff. I wear my Bolts jersey. I don a Bolts cap. I slip into my Bolts sweatpants. I keep my most private of areas protected by Bolts boxer shorts. I am surrounded by a ton of Chargers memorabilia at all times. I even went as far as getting a Chargers lightening bolt tattooed on my shoulder this week. I know… It’s pathetic.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, December 29, 2008 in 1:40 pm
Even though I know I will never keep any of my New Year’s Resolutions, I shall declare them anyway for the entire world to see.
Here are my three New Year’s Resolutions in the order of least likely to be resolved.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, December 23, 2008 in 1:13 pm
Ah the holidays. There’s no better time to kick back, relax and spend some quality time with the family. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or you’re waiting for the next Hale-Bop comet to arrive, you can’t deny the spirit of the season. There’s something about the holiday music playing. It acts as a sort of, soundtrack to your life. I feel invincible walking down the street in time to Stevie Nick’s version of “Silent Night” blaring in my ear buds. Just when you had forgotten what an altruist Bono is, “Do they know it’s Christmas” hits the radio again. There’s something about the smell of New York City during the holidays. It’s a perfect mix of gingerbread cookies, pinecones and horse poop. The change of season is such an emotional trip.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, December 15, 2008 in 6:51 pm
I checked all of my sources and found nothing. Nada. Zilch. Urban dictionary is usually a reliable resource. I also scoured the web and found zippo. Wikipedia came up empty. I could trek over to my mom’s house and thumb through her 1977 World Book Encyclopedia Collection but I doubt I would find anything. Those were the days. World Book was the bomb back then. I would sit in front of those encyclopedias for hours at a time, reading about lizards, World War Two, medicine and even the human anatomy. You could look up Vagina and see some crazy diagrams. Salesmen sold that crap door to door and made good coin. Man, we’ve come so far but have left so many important things behind.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, December 8, 2008 in 2:46 pm
You look like a monkey and you smell like one too…
“At Outback, our attitude towards life is down-to-earth, laid-back, ‘no worries’. Our attitude toward food is another story. It’s a story about big, bold flavors, a story about quality, consistency and preparation. We take great pride in serving the freshest, highest-quality food possible. At Outback, it’s all about quality — and all about the food.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, December 2, 2008 in 12:26 pm
This Out-Numbered is dedicated to my awesomely chill second kid. Happy Birthday!
When my wife and I were first discussing the possibility of having a second child, one of the questions that kept coming up was… “Do you think we’ll love it as much as we love our first?” Hmmmm. Good question. Totally impossible to answer without sounding cold and heartless but a very good question. I honestly didn’t know the answer. But I always heard from my parents and grandparents that you love each child differently. Not more, just differently. Yeah right. What happens when one kid is smarter than the other? What happens when one kid is prettier? You always hear siblings say, “I’m the good one”. It’s inevitable. What if the new kid gets all messed up like Jan Brady? Or even worse, Macaulay Culkin in, “The Good Son”. You remember… In a quiet town… In a comfortable home… In a perfect body… Evil can be as close as someone you love. It didn’t seem fair.
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, November 24, 2008 in 3:58 pm
One of my guilty pleasures in life has always been the slow, methodical dunk of the Oreo cookie into a tall, cold glass of milk. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of attaining the perfect texture and saturation. Yum, Oreos… Now, my guilty pleasure is the slow, methodical dunk of the Reduced Fat Oreo cookie in an 8oz cup of cold, Lactaid Skim milk. Blah. It sucks getting old…
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Posted by: Jason Mayo, November 17, 2008 in 11:02 am
This week, in fond memory and admiration, I find my inspiration for Out-Numbered in the strong spirit of Jordan I. Lane, affectionately known to my girls as PJ.
Six year old: “Daddy?”
Me: “Yes baby.”
Six year old: “Do people go to heaven when they die?”
Me: “I think they go to some place nice.”
Six year old: “Do they go to heaven?”
Me: “I’m not sure if they go to heaven but it’s definitely a place that’s nice.”
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