1. What does my kid find sooo entertaining about 3am?

2. How can a hot dog on kid’s menu cost $9?

3. What is so brilliant about $900 Bugaboo stroller?

4. What’s with those flower hair-bands that they put on infants?

5. Why do after-school programs end at 5pm, when we all work until at least 5:30?

6. How come my daughter only wants to play with a trash can when there are 63824 toys laying within inches of her?

7. Why can I not find a restaurant with an attached daycare center room, so me and my husband can enjoy a nice meal (Chuckie E. Cheese does not count)?

8. Why do we get 6 weeks paid maternity leave, when it’s 1 year in Borat’s Kazahstan?

9. Why am I still paying my hospital bill 9 months after perfectly healthy delivery?

10. Who thought it was a great idea to make 100% Polyester baby sleepers, when I, as an adult wanted to kill myself every time I wore polyester?

10 1/2. Why do I only get to write 10 of these when I have 823746 questions?

2. You want to scratch that stranger’s face who in a fake concerned voice asks “What is wrong with her?”

3. You want to double scratch the face of that flat stomached, freshly out of the spa, 20 something bitch that rolls her eyes.

4. You mentally go through “selling your child on the black market” option.

5. You can’t believe ALL of this is happening because you said “no” to her wanting to eat dog poop off the street.

6. You think to yourself “I should have just let her eat the damn poop”.

7. You search for matches in your pocket, preparing to burn every book that ever advised you to “Just stay calm”.

8. When you pick her up (so she won’t get hit by an incoming truck) you squeeze a little bit harder than child services would recommend.

9. You feel like you are losing your mind completely, when 12 minutes later she simply gets up, smiles and points to a seagull flying by.

10. You come home, lock yourself in the bathroom and have a nice cry until she comes over and hugs your knees, making you…well…forget everything.

1.  THE DIAPER DILEMMA

At the top of the agenda for any family seeking to be better friends to the environment is the challenging issue of baby diapers.  The standard disposable diaper, which requires significant resources to produce in the first place, can take up to half a millennium to decompose in a landfill.  From start to finish, during its 500 year existence, the disposable diaper has a useful life of only a few short hours between changings.  And the sheer number of diapers used daily makes this a sobering matter that needs attention.

-  If you must use standard disposable diapers, rinse them off before throwing them out so the human waste cannot potentially contaminate the groundwater.

-  For the quick and relatively painless solution, use biodegradable disposable, like gDiapers, that are manufactured with the environment in mind (some can even be flushed).

-  And if you are really looking to earn your merit badge,  go old school with reusable cloth diapers.

2.  GREEN GARDENING

A frightening statistic tells us that the average suburban lawn and garden receives more pesticides per acre than land used for farming.  And this is some pretty nasty stuff.  Pesticides, by definition, are poisons and have been linked with a variety of health risks from cancer to decreased fertility.  In fact, children conceived between April and June, prime pesticide season, have a 75% higher chance of being diagnosed with birth defects compared to other times of year.  Making a choice to go green in your green garden will not only help the environment, it can have a direct impact on your family’s health.

-  Choose organic pesticides, such as Pyola, over the harsh, toxic versions that claim to kill everything except the one thing you want to grow.

-  And don’t be so quick to kill every bug in the garden.  Some actually have important jobs to do.

-  Use natural fertilizers- from commercially available products to used coffee grounds to your own grass clippings (the ultimate in natural recycling), organic options for this are plentiful.

-  If you are willing to get your hands dirty, make your own compost using those leftover kitchen scraps and garden waste.

-  Also be conscious of the amount of water you are using on the lawn versus how much, or actually how little, it really needs, as water is a resource eco-friendly families do not waste.

3.  PETS

The business of pets in America has always been a booming one so it is not surprising that it is going green in order to give environmentally conscious and concerned pet owners some piece of mind.  After all, as the headlines show us, if we are finding dangerous toxic elements negligently included in toys manufactured for children, one can only imagine what has made it into pet toys and food (especially with dogs and cats having a tendency to tear apart their toys).

-  Play with non-toxic pet toys like Orbee-Tuff balls for dogs and organic Wooly Dust Bunnies for cats.

-  Feed your little buddy organic pet food- yes it is out there.

-  Use natural and organic cat litter.

-  And if you are looking for a new addition to the family, adopt from a shelter.

4.  BRING YOUR OWN BAGS

With an estimated 100 billion plastic bags used in America each year, our consumption in this regard is one of our most wasteful everyday acts.   It also has the simplest fix on the list.

-  Bring your own bags to the store when you shop (savvy stores are already marketing their own sturdy, reusable shopping bags).

-  Go with paper over plastic when the option is available.

-  Or just wheel that cart straight to your car and burn up a few more calories bringing home your loose groceries.

5.  BE AN ENERGY STAR!

“Turn off the lights when you leave the room” has been the regular refrain of parents seeking to cut down the electric bill for decades but now there are plenty of new tools in the arsenal of families seeking to be more energy efficient.

-  Buy Energy Star rated appliances.

-  Use CFL’s (compact flourescent lightbulbs)- they cost a little more but they last much longer and use much less electricity.

-  Unplug phantom electric devices that drain energy even when they are off (televisions, stereos, computer peripherals).

-  If you are willing to invest some money (and take advantage of some great tax breaks), install solar panels on the roof and harness some free energy from the sun.

-  And turn off the lights when you leave the room!

6.  BREAK THE BOTTLE ADDICTION

If you are like many families with active children, especially kids who play sports, then you probably purchase jumbo sized palettes of bottled water and energy drinks every week.  And you probably sigh at the thought of hoisting those cases up onto the counter at check-out.  Now just imagine how many of those battles head to the landfills and incinerators every day.

-  Replace the weekly consumption of throw away plastic bottles with reusable sports bottles.

-  Stop paying twice at the faucet and filter your (hopefully) perfectly fine tap water with a Brita-style pitcher.

-  Get a bigger bang for your buck by making your own sports drink from the powdered version of your favorite brand.

7.  TRIM YOUR WAISTLINE… AND YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT

Last year, we got the news that overweight people create more harmful greenhouse gasses that hasten global warming than their thinner counterparts.  No, not that way.  It goes like this-  heavier people eat more food which uses more energy to harvest, process, manufacture, transport and cook and all that energy creates more pollution that contributes to global warming.  Overweight people also require more energy to be expended when they use transportation and, once again, the use of that energy has a side effect on the environment.  So the eco-friendly family stays as healthy and physically fit as they can.

-  Know your optimum weight and body mass index.

-  Eat healthy.

-  Respect appropriate portion sizes.

-  Exercise.

8.  EVERYONE LOVES THAT NEW HYBRID SMELL

Buying a hybrid or electric car is surely the most expensive tip on this list but it might also be the most meaningful for the environment and, in the long run, for your wallet.  The past year has shown us just how volatile gas prices can be, not to mention the economy in general, so anything you can do to minimize the impact skyrocketing prices at the pump is a good bet.  And nothing says eco-friendly family better than taking the family road trip in a shiny new hybrid.

-  They can be practical like the Toyota Prius and Honda Insight.

-  They can be the patriotically American choice like the Ford Fusion and the upcoming Chevy Volt.

-  They can even go 0 to 60 in 3.9 seconds like the Tesla Roadster.

-  And they will all be more eco-friendly than a gas guzzler.

9.  MAKE IT A FAIR TRADE

Fair Trade is an international movement that seeks a balance between sustainable local agriculture & manufacturing with equitable pricing and socially responsible working conditions.  Protecting and conserving the environment is also a key initiative of the movement.  Coffee, tea, cocoa, sugar and honey are a few of the major commodities which are available as Fair Trade goods.

-  Buy Fair Trade certified goods.

-  Patronize your local agricultural producers.

10.  PACK A GREEN LUNCH BOX

A few months back, honestbaby explored the health and environmental benefits of sending the kids off to school with a green lunch box and packing one for yourself as well as you head off to work.  From the packaging to the drink to the entree to the dessert and even the napkin, responsible and thoughtful choices can even make the packed lunch an eco-friendly experience for families.

-  Use an actual old fashioned metal lunch box instead of using plastic or the proverbial brown paper bag.

-  Pack a thermos.

-  Go with reusable entree packaging like sandwich-shaped Tupperware.

-  Forget that Twinkie and make that dessert a piece of fruit.

-  Switch to cloth napkins.

2. “We don’t have a TV!”

3. “Her hair will grow…I think…eventually.”

4. “I don’t have to ever work” then 2 minutes later…

5. “Where is that nanny?”

6. “Is that your husband? He is cute.”

7. “My daughter walked when she was 5 months old… up the hill, in the snow.”

8. “It’s so funny how your daughter bangs her head against the wall like that!”

9. “We are having a princess party…”

10. “Your little boy (I have a daughter) should be in pageants.

2. ” As soon as you come over at 3 am every night to play “hide and seek” and “I am thirsty” with my now 2 kids.

3. “As soon as my first one can make herself and me a decent sandwich.”

4. “As soon as I decide that “ME” time is just not for me.”

5. “As soon as I block out that tiny thing called “labor” out of my forever traumatized head”.

6. “As soon as I figure out how to breastfeed an infant while chasing a toddler.”

7. “As soon as I lose those last 94 pounds from my first pregnancy”

8. “As soon as all the New York subways have elevators that don’t smell like piss to take me up to the street with my tank of a stroller”

9. ” As soon as I figure out where to put a second crib in my luxurious 5 square feet shoe box of an apartment”

10. “As soon as I am alone with my husband long enough to make one”.

I am forever humbled and amazed by all of you who raise more than one kid.

2. They slept in their cribs OF COURSE. Where else?

2. “I was bored all weekend.  Nothing to do.”

3. “I know how you feel.  My dog is a bad sleeper too.”

4.  “I like the natural look you’ve been sporting lately!”

5. “You know what you should do…”

6.  “I’ve been to Paris 3 times this year.  It’s just getting old.”

7. “My stomach is so big.”

8. “You never call me anymore.”

9. “You know when you fell kind of out of it because you slept TOO much?”

10.  “Shouldn’t she/he be _________ by now?”

1. If you let your son live with you until he is 60, he will never get laid. (”Cheers”)

2. Don’t treat your husband as an annoying extra child.  (”Everyone loves Raymond”)

3. Your kids will stick by you even If you live in the woods with no electricity and flush your toilet once a week. (”Wife Swap”)

4. Count the days until your kids will finally move out and leave you alone so you can promote “Jello”. (”The Cosby Show”)

5. If you have a full time nanny, you can still leisurely have Cosmos with your friends. (”Sex in the City”)

6. Dictatorship and organization raises adorably well behaved kids.  But might ruin your marriage. (”John and Kate plus 8″)

7. Just because one of your kids is dumb doesn’t mean all of them will be. (”Married with children”)

8. You can get free condoms at Planned Parenthood. (”18 and counting”)

9. That 15th guy you had sex with last month might still not be THE father. (”The Maury Show”)

10. Don’t EVER take yourself seriously or let money define who you are. (”Roseanne”)

So here we go- Top Ten Reasons it’s Good to be Pregnant-Again!

1.  New baby gear.  Because I got rid of it all just six months ago when I thought we were done.

2.  Shopping!  Even if it’s for maternity clothes.

3.  I get to eat as many bagels as I want and I don’t care.  Seriously. I am going through them like their candy.  I should buy stock in cream cheese while I’m at it.

4. More shopping!  We’ll be moving the two girls into one room requiring us to buy bunk beds.  Huzzah!

5.  All those OB/GYN visits will take care of our health insurance deductible right quick.  Just in time for those free ER visits due to the newly arrived bunk beds.

6.  Home improvements will be done fast.  We’re on a time limit.  My belly is a ticking clock that makes my husband move faster than a duck on a June bug.

7.  Shopping again!  I got rid of all baby clothes from nine months to infant.  Even if this baby is another girl I’m still in desperate need of clothes.

8.  Shoes.  When I’m pregnant I indulge in shoes.  I may not be able to see my feet but I want others to see how pretty they can be even when accompanied by cankles.

9.  I get to wear giant-sized cocktail rings after my wedding bands begin to cut off my fingers circulation.  I do so adore a large, gaudy cocktail ring.

10.  The new baby! Right. It’s a long way off but soon there will be more to love in our family.

2. Keep things educational. Instead of saying “Don’t lick the door”, say “Don’t lick that RED door that is shaped like a RECTANGLE”.

3. Don’t worry about milestones. Very few adults still wear pampers and suck their thumbs.

4. Leave negotiating for the movies with bad plots. To get results, see #1.

5. Stop taking 5000 pictures of your kid. Put your camera down for a moment. Capture the moment in your mind: the way she smells, the light in her eyes, the pure goodness of it all. THAT is the place you will go to when you are 100 years old and peacefully dying in your sleep.

6. Remember how good it felt when your parents said “Good job. I am proud of you”. Yea…me neither. So, do it for YOUR kid and do it often.

7. Be really good to her nanny, her daycare, her neighbors. They all have a part in NOT making her a serial killer one day.

8. Create a world with your kid that is purely yours, the language that only two of you speak, the story that you imagined together. That is her real comfort blanket.

9. Stop worrying about crayon marks on your wall, cheerios  all over the floor and poop in your hair. One day you will nostalgically smile thinking of all those things.

10. Be just a little bit silly. After all you just got a green light to relive your childhood.