My life is like one big vaginal roller coaster ride.

If my life were an attraction at Disney World, it would be called, “Estrogen Mountain.” Or perhaps, “It’s a Small Ball World.” There would be big headed, lovable characters like “Menstrual Mouse”, “Whiny the Putang” and “Peeterless Pan” roaming the park, nagging people until they got a new Ipod, a Nintendo DS or one of those piece of shit FurBerries. By the way, have you seen these friggin FurBerries? They are these demented little, hybrid stuffed animals. I’m telling you, they are straight off the Island of Dr Moreau. Evil little creatures that fold up into a ball with a hard outer shell, like a fucking potato bug or something. But my kids want them, so it’s cool. Anyway…

…read more

I am not a breakfast in bed type of guy. It’s uncomfortable. It doesn’t make any sense to me. It never has. Why the hell would anyone want to eat a stack of flapjacks and a pound of bacon, while lying horizontal under the covers? It’s bad enough I find remnants of Goldfish crackers under my pillow. I don’t need maple syrup stuck to my sheets. It also makes the room smell and it gives me a headache. Oh and there’s no place to put the Orange Juice either. Please don’t bother.

…read more

Let’s get right down to business, shall we?

I bought my oldest daughter a bad ass bike today. It is slick and fast and complicated. Buying a kid a bicycle is the most awesome thing a parent can do. It is their first step across the bridge to independence. When I think of my childhood, I think about Atari, Sid & Marty Kroft and my gold Ross bike with the black banana seat. I’ve had my current set of grown up wheels for about three years now. A black, two door, Jeep Wrangler. I’ve put only 10,000 miles on it. I’m pretty sure I put a solid 50,000 on my Ross between the years 1977 - 1981.

…read more

I have never been an outwardly emotional person. For better or for worse, my tendency has always been to keep things bottled up inside. I’m not proud of this nor am I ashamed to admit it. I’ve actually had the urge to write about this for quite some time but I wasn’t sure how to put it out there or if anyone would give a shit. I’ve said to my wife at times that this blog has been a huge outlet for me. It’s so much easier for me to express myself in writing. I know it sounds pathetic but I feel that at times, I’m a better Father and Husband in this blog than I am in real life. Maybe that’s just how I see it. I’ve been in therapy before, if only to try and figure out a way to communicate my inner most feelings with the people I love. The truth is, I haven’ t had much luck. Until recently…

…read more

This is a tribute. Kind of… As we all know, last weekend was Mother’s Day. Families across the country were paying homage to their beloved wives and moms in every possible way you can imagine. Kids were handing out crappy glass bunnies and ugly silk flowers like Dixie cups at a sperm bank. Husbands were giving away gift certificates for salons and day spas that their wives will never have the time to redeem. Mothers and daughters alike were collaborating and making memories in the kitchen with their special, super duper, Duncan Hines Angel Food Cake recipes. Ahhh Hallmark, you’ve done it again. Go ahead and pat yourself on your recycled paper back.

…read more

This past weekend my six year old daughter and I had a very frustrating conversation about music. It went something like this…

Six year old - “Daddy, do you like Rock music?”

Out-Numbered - “Yes baby, I love Rock music.”

Six year old - “Cool. Me too. Do you like the Jonas Brothers?”

…read more

When she met me I had a Mohawk.

Now…

I have hair on my shoulders.

When she met me I was playing hockey.

Now…

I am speed walking on the treadmill.

…read more

Warning: Please do NOT read this post if you think your kids suck. Do NOT read on if you are a rotten parent that can’t stand reading about other parents who are obviously far more skilled, loving and awesome than you are at being parents. Continue reading only if you can see the sheer perfection of your children literally dripping off of their angelic little bodies without being aided by anti depressants or other mood altering narcotics.

…read more

Warning: Please do NOT read this post if you think your kids are perfect, if you are easily offended by inappropriate language or if you have a shitty sense of humor about your children. Continue reading only if you admit that your kids are annoying or that they have sucked at any point in time.

I love being a dad. That much I can tell you. I can list a number of reasons that would support that statement but for now I choose not to. What happens to be on my mind lately is how much having kids can suck. I’m not saying that having children sucks all of the time but rather a majority of the time. I know that most parents think their kids are annoying. I know that most parents tend not to talk about this in public. I also know what parents think are annoying about their kids. How do I know this? Because I asked. This is only a small sampling of what you said:

…read more

This is one of those posts that probably won’t translate quite the way I intended it to. But I have to tell you that I couldn’t help myself this time. I’ve always tried to write this blog with sincerity. I continually try to put my heart out there for everyone to see. I have also been very conscious of keeping the content of this blog to that of a more anecdotal tone. In other words, I don’t like bragging about my kids or gushing over their specific achievements or milestones. I try not to post cutesy pictures of birthday parties, messy cupcake faces or first poop poops on the potty. Not that there’s anything wrong with that at all. There are a ton of great parenting blogs that chronicle the lives of their kids and they are absolutely adorable.

…read more