Outnumbered

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What You Talkin’ Bout Willis?

Posted by: , July 31, 2009 in 5:54 pm

What You Talkin Bout Willis? I’ve said before, that talking to your kids, guarantees you at least one smile per conversation. Now that’s an ROI you can take to the bank. If you don’t agree, than you either don’t have kids or you’re just a shitty parent. It’s also possible that you’re a boring son of a bitch. One of my favorite things in life, is having an in depth chat with my 2 1/2 year old daughter. Kids are so curious at that age. They also don’t have any concept of boundaries or appropriateness. Here’s our most recent exchange:?

Did Your Horse Just Sh*t On My Lawn?

Posted by: Jason Mayo, July 16, 2009 in 12:43 pm

I have a friend. He has red hair and a huge trampoline in his back yard. This friend of mine throws a big BBQ party every summer. His BBQ parties are great because they are kid friendly and there’s always good eats and libations. I have to admit though, I am a bit concerned about my friend’s current mental state. This year for his BBQ, he decided that it would be cool for the kids if he rented a completely mobile Game Farm for his front lawn. There were pony rides, goats, bunnies, chickens and sheep. The cages were all set up in his front yard. The pony rides took place up and down the street. The kids were over the moon. The adults were astonished. All?I?could think about was, I wonder what the conversation was like the day before with his neighbors? I imagine it went something like this:

My Fortress of Solitude

Posted by: , July 13, 2009 in 6:36 pm

My Fortress of Solitude I am not a?Superhero. I am a Father and a Husband. I am a “Fusband”. I have no mutant powers to speak of. I am mere mortal. I?do?have a weakness. Every?Fusband?does. This weakness is my?Kryptonite. I am defenseless against its evil. I am crippled by its potent energy. It will tear me to pieces if I do not protect myself. In order to shield my vulnerable body from this raw,?unyielding,?puissance; I have built aFortress of Solitude.

From Chicks to Dicks

Posted by: Jason Mayo, June 25, 2009 in 11:18 am

My life is like one big vaginal roller coaster ride.

If my life were an attraction at Disney World, it would be called, “Estrogen Mountain.” Or perhaps, “It’s a Small Ball World.” There would be big headed, lovable characters like “Menstrual Mouse”, “Whiny the Putang” and “Peeterless Pan” roaming the park, nagging people until they got a new Ipod, a Nintendo DS or one of those piece of shit?FurBerries. By the way, have you seen these friggin FurBerries? They are these demented little, hybrid stuffed animals. I’m telling you, they are straight off the?Island of Dr Moreau. Evil little creatures that fold up into a ball with a hard outer shell, like a fucking potato bug or something. But my kids want them, so it’s cool. Anyway…

Never Negotiate With Terrorists

Posted by: Jason Mayo, June 17, 2009 in 12:56 pm

I am not a breakfast in bed type of guy. It’s uncomfortable. It doesn’t make any sense to me. It never has. Why the hell would anyone want to eat a stack of flapjacks and a pound of bacon, while lying horizontal under the covers? It’s bad enough I find remnants of Goldfish crackers under my pillow. I don’t need maple syrup stuck to my sheets. It also makes the room smell and it gives me a headache. Oh and there’s no place to put the Orange Juice either. Please don’t bother.

My Bike Can Kick Your Bike’s Ass

Posted by: Jason Mayo, June 10, 2009 in 8:36 pm

My Bike Can Kick Your Bikes Ass Let’s get right down to business, shall we?

I bought my oldest daughter a bad ass bike today. It is slick and fast and complicated. Buying a kid a bicycle is the most awesome thing a parent can do. It is their first step across the bridge to independence. When I think of my childhood, I think about Atari, Sid & Marty Kroft and my gold Ross bike with the black banana seat. I’ve had my current set of grown up wheels for about three years now. A black, two door, Jeep Wrangler. I’ve put only 10,000 miles on it. I’m pretty sure I put a solid 50,000 on my Ross between the years 1977 – 1981.

Stop Crying

Posted by: Jason Mayo, May 27, 2009 in 5:57 pm

I have never been an outwardly emotional person.?For better or for worse, my tendency has always been to keep things bottled up inside. I’m not proud of this nor am I ashamed to admit it. I’ve actually had the urge to write about this for quite some time but I wasn’t sure how to put it out there or if anyone would give a shit. I’ve said to my wife at times that this blog has been a huge outlet for me. It’s so much easier for me to express myself in writing. I know it sounds pathetic but I feel that at times, I’m a better Father and Husband in this blog than I am in real life. Maybe that’s just how I see it. I’ve been in therapy before, if only to try and figure out a way to communicate my inner most feelings with the people I love. The truth is, I haven’ t had much luck. Until recently…

I Suck. Goodnight.

Posted by: Jason Mayo, May 20, 2009 in 10:50 am

This is a tribute. Kind of… As we all know, last weekend was Mother’s Day. Families across the country were paying homage to their beloved wives and moms in every possible way you can imagine. Kids were handing out crappy glass bunnies and ugly silk flowers like Dixie cups at a sperm bank. Husbands were giving away gift certificates for salons and day spas that their wives will never have the time to redeem. Mothers and daughters alike were collaborating and making memories in the kitchen with their special, super duper, Duncan Hines Angel Food Cake recipes. Ahhh Hallmark, you’ve done it again. Go ahead and pat yourself on your recycled paper back.