We just moved into a new home and I had a newborn and a 2 year old. I forgot to latch the door and when I went to change the babies diaper my 2 year old went out the door. I had to run out and find her where she went 2 doors down to pet the puppy. That’s how I first met the neighbors. Was my face red. I never forgot to latch that door again.

There are few parents today who don’t envision the same kind of success for their own children. It’s difficult, after all, not to notice that your daughter has a proclivity for soccer or that your son could balance on a skateboard before he could stand on the ground. Surely these tendencies – a love of sports or what seems like exceptional skill – must mean that your child, too, can become an athlete superstar, as long as you start the training early and hit it hard.

Unfortunately, studies are now suggesting that the “overbooked” child, one who is shuttled from school to practice to games and back again, is one who suffers everything from overtiredness and irritability to  poor grades and even anxiety when faced with a block of time and no scheduled activities. Like little Pavlovian dogs, overbooked children become adjusted to a fast-paced, whirlwind day, and they often develop into teens and adults who cannot sit back and relax.

Benefits of Early Training

There are some benefits to scheduled activities for children, so it’s best not to cut them out all together. Overall, kids in activities have higher levels of confidence and self-esteem, live healthier lives, and perform better under pressure. There’s also the benefits of socializing (for both the kid and the parents) to consider, as well as the fact that sports can be fun. However, too much of a good thing can be dangerous – and overwhelming.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the number of sports practices and games you have to attend (not to mention the costs, travel requirements, and parental support responsibilities), it’s best to simply cut back on the number of activities. And this is easier than you might think. Not sure whether to get rid of hockey or gymnastics? Easy. Ask your child.

Over the long-term, no number of private basketball lessons are going to matter if your child doesn’t have a true love of the game. By cutting back activities to really focus on what your child enjoys doing, you’re not only increasing the chances that he or she will stick with it, but you’re turning your child into a happier, healthier adult.

Check Your Motivations

At the tend of the day, you are the parent, and you get to decide what your child does and does not do (after all, you’re the one footing the bill and providing the transportation). But before you enforce any activity, be sure and determine what your true motivations are.

• Are you grooming your child to become a sport superstar? This is usually more about your desires rather than your child’s, especially if your child hasn’t had the time to develop his or her own tastes (and even then, a love of baseball doesn’t necessarily have to translate into a deal with the MLB). In reality, a very small percentage of children participating in sports grow up to become professional athletes.

• Are you keeping up with the Joneses? Many parents find it difficult to keep their kids out of a strict schedule of activities because the moment they get home from school, the entire neighborhood is empty. They feel other parents look down on them for not giving their children the same opportunities their own darlings are getting – even if it ends up being more damaging in the long run.

• Are you afraid of stunting your child’s development? If your child shows incredible skills in ballet school and you cancel the private lessons due to cost and the travel requirements, it is possible that you’re denying them an opportunity to develop a real ability to become a professional dancer. But it’s a pretty small possibility. You have to remember that being great at something doesn’t require you to start young. Many talented sports players didn’t actually start playing their sport until well into their teen years – when they could make their own decisions.

Above all else, remember that this is your child’s life, not your’s. Visions of Olympic gold and contracts with Nike are fine, as long as you keep reality firmly in mind. Remember, no matter how good your child is at a sport, being happy and being healthy will enrich your child’s life much more than the superficial trappings of stardom.

This year though we just have too much going on.  We’ve blocked off those days on the calendar as if we are going away and we are taking our own version of a staycation.  Also known as “staying home”, going nowhere or locking the doors and pulling the shades and acting as if we are not home. Quick! Hide the cars! 

This decision to ‘do nothing, go nowhere’ comes as a relief too.  Every weekend seems to have us going somewhere and each weekday has us busy as well.  I don’t like living in my car and I’m sick of eating out.  My brain hurts from all the busy and the unnecessary pressure of having plans on holiday weekends.  I want to grill at home, eat the food I like and bake a pie with my three year-old.  If I manage to dip my feet in her kiddie pool that’s just great.  If all I do is sit on my deck reading a book with the kids playing nearby then I’ve found nirvana.   To make it festive I’ve purchased a dollar store pinwheel and really that’s all my kid needs.

Every evening Michael grinds beans and programs the coffee maker to make 12 cups of java while he’s in the shower.  Because coffeemaker manufacturers believe we are all idiots who will forget to turn off our machines, it is hard to find a coffeemaker that doesn’t have an automatic 2-hour shut-off feature.  So, because Michael cannot drink 12 cups of coffee in the hour before he leaves for work, we purchased a thermal carafe.  He fills his travel mug and a small thermos (to take along to work) and pours the rest into the carafe for me (who, because of the auto shut-off feature,  would otherwise wake up to cold coffee almost 4 hours later).

Now…back to my original tale.  It’s Tuesday.  Michael wakes up to discover the coffeemaker has spewed coffee grounds over the top of the permanent filter and into the glass carafe.  No worries-we are willing to drink grounds.  Hell, I think I’ve chewed on a bean at some point.  Did I mention we love coffee?

Ah but the next morning…nothing’!  The machine never turned on.  It is as if it was trying to warn us.  It regurgitated grounds in an attempt to predict the future.  When Michael woke me to say “Goodbye,” he muttered, “The coffeemaker is broken.”  I vaguely remember thinking it would have an impact on me;  I didn’t realize how severe an impact…until the lack-of-caffeine headache set in.

I woke up hours later and shuffled downstairs.  No smoky scent of recently brewed coffee.  No warm carafe awaiting my sleepy arrival.  “Oh,” I groaned to Ben, “I forgot.  Dad said the coffeemaker is broken.”  “You can drink water!” Ben cheerfully exclaimed.  Seriously.  Water versus coffee.  The lack of caffeine is fairly key in that equation. So, like some kind of heroine addict, desperately trying to get her fix, I fiddled with the machine–unplugging it as if I had placed a call to the Java IT department and they had suggested I simply needed to reboot.  I pulled out the filter.  I put it back in.  I lifted the door to the water reservoir and closed it.  I pushed every goddamn button–even the “Clean” option.

My mom came over to our house that afternoon and:  unplugged the machine.  Pulled out the filter.  Put it back in.  Lifted the water reservoir lid.  And closed it.  She pushed every goddamn button–even the “Clean” option.

Later that night…at almost 9 PM  Michael and Benjamin and I stood in the Small Appliances aisle at Lowe’s clutching a $ 25 gift certificate (a timely Father’s Day token from Michael’s parents!).  We gazed at the various machines–priced from $ 29.99 up to $ 149.99.  We grabbed the exact same coffee maker we already owned-but in faux stainless steel instead of metallic red (our headaches made coffee, rather than decor the necessity).   We skipped up to the counter with visions of Sumatra dancing in our heads.  The clerk scanned the appliance.  “That comes with the option to buy an extended warranty,” he said.  Michael and I laughed.  “Yea, our other one broke–that’s why we’re here,” I joked.   The clerk laughed and then Benjamin launched into a dramatic retelling of our day.  “My Dad woke up and there was no coffee,” he began…”then, my Mom–this girl here–(he said pointing to me to clarify) came downstairs and guess what?  No coffee.”  The clerk howled.  I’m sure he had some inkling what a coffee-free morning can do to a person.  Well, Benjamin kept going on and on and when he was finally finished the clerk probed, “So were they walking around growling and grunting.”  Yep!  That about describes it.

The two of us without our coffee=two sasquatches.  If we had not showered & shaved…caffeineless, we would easily pass for Yetis.  Life is back to normal now.  We have a new coffeemaker, sans all the bells and whistles of a $ 149 one. And, my carafe is again filled with the sweet nectar of morning.  It takes so little to make us happy.

Imperfect parenting moments..I’ve had plenty of those. Recently I was in a rush to get out of the house and I was taking my 6 year old son with me to do some errands. We stopped by the video store to rent some movies and my son kept asking me for some candy as we got up to the counter and of course I kept telling him NO. So he proceeded to reach down in the candy bins and start to grab what he was interested in and as I turned around I noticed that he was flashing his bare behind to everyone in the whole store. His pants were down around his knees. I hadn’t made sure he put on his underwear and belt before we left, I had just assumed he had done it when I asked him to. (he likes to go commando) Needless to say I was pretty embarrassed and hurried to get my son and myself out of the store amid snickering people asap.

If my life were an attraction at Disney World, it would be called, “Estrogen Mountain.” Or perhaps, “It’s a Small Ball World.” There would be big headed, lovable characters like “Menstrual Mouse”, “Whiny the Putang” and “Peeterless Pan” roaming the park, nagging people until they got a new Ipod, a Nintendo DS or one of those piece of shit FurBerries. By the way, have you seen these friggin FurBerries? They are these demented little, hybrid stuffed animals. I’m telling you, they are straight off the Island of Dr Moreau. Evil little creatures that fold up into a ball with a hard outer shell, like a fucking potato bug or something. But my kids want them, so it’s cool. Anyway…I am constantly surrounded by girly stuff. Sometimes I feel like I’m a pair of panties away from turning into a hairier version of the Little Mermaid. Just slap a pair of seashells on my tits and I’m finished. I need to man it up. I need to fight back. I need to…

Run away!

That’s exactly what I’m gonna do. This weekend, as a matter of fact. I’m going on my annual “Dudes Only” camping trip. Once a year, a bunch of us sorry sacks, pick a place in the middle of nowhere and disappear. Most of us are married with kids. A high percentage of us have little girls. It’s a pretty hard core sausage fest. If we were a movie, we’d be aDick Flick. It’s a weekend to take back your manhood and heal.

We sleep in tents and build fires. Sometimes we sleep in tents that catch on fire. We eat sausage, beef jerky and skirt steak. We drink Pabst Blue Ribbon from a can. We smoke cigars and stuff. And that’s just for breakfast. We take to the river and battle nature. We shit in the woods and don’t shower for days. Sometimes we don’t even shit for days and shower in the woods. We don’t care. It’s our call. We have nicknames like Quato, Pooch, Grits, Spanish Rob, Angry Mike and Shit Leg. We talk about baseball and debate who’s hotter, Valerie Bertinelli circa 1978 or Valerie Bertinelli circa 2009? We wear work boots with black socks and shorts and nobody says a damn thing. We listen to AC/DC and Lynyrd Skynyrd and sing out loud. Everyone carries a LeathermanKnife and no one ever uses it for anything. We smell like bug spray, smoke and burnt hair all weekend long. No one gets hurt that badly and no one complains. No judgement is passed.

I packed a case of canned bacon. That’s 12 cans. Each can has 50 slices of bacon. That’s 600 slices of canned bacon. Suck on that. What ever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Unless it kills you. I’ll take my chances. I can think of worse ways to go.

We don’t need to pack a suitcase and a carry on. We don’t need to take a toiletry bag or a hair dryer. Actually one guy packs a toiletry bag and a hair dryer but he’s kind of a clean freak. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s our time. It’s go time and it’s now.

This weekend I will not be Out-Numbered…

When I’m pregnant I don’t picture myself as a glowing chalice of life. I’m a slothful albeit cute, carrier of a being who often confuses my ribs for drums and my bladder for a downy pillow. During my second trimester I pee when I laugh or sneeze. Sexy, right?

There are a million reasons not to feel sexy or have sex while pregnant but one huge reason why you should: it’ll only get harder after the baby. I don’t know about you but my kids come out of my vagina, often leaving it sore for weeks. They also trigger a strange chemical reaction that causes a white, liquid substance to produce in amazing quantities right in my breasts leaving them humongous and tender to the touch for at least half a month.

Doesn’t it make sense to get in all the sex you can now?

There are only a few things you need to make sex a possibility while pregnant. Read slowly:

7 Tips to Avoid an Abstinent 9 Months

1. Invest in some nice maternity clothes. If you look nice, you’ll feel like a human instead of a carrier.

2. Get a manicure and pedicure every 3 weeks, every month at the most.  I know we’re in a “recession” but you’re stimulating the economy with that $15.

3. While out an about getting that mani/pedi, get your hair blown out.

4. Buy new sheets and wash them often. There is NOTHING unsexier than going to bed with your kids’ Honey Nut Cheerios.

5. Exercise. Just kidding.

6. Let the house get messy but keep your bedroom clutter free.

7. Cancel your Cosmo subscription. Those skinny bitches will piss you off.

It is possible to have a pregnancy that includes the occasional roll in the hay. Have more tips? Send to sexandthesippy@gmail.com.

xox SATS

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin steps up as a patriotic role model for her kids and shows them how to be a quitter.

Just in time to celebrate Independence Day, Disney World gets the animatronic version of Barack Obama inaugurated into their Hall of Presidents.

New York City reopens the crown of the Statue of Liberty.

And the annual reminder: Don’t let your family become one of the 10,000 who fall victim to fireworks related injuries every year.

An enterprising mom launches an organic baby food business from home:

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The Education Secretary sees charter schools as one of the “most profound changes in American education” and wants to see more of them.

To celebrate the end of the semester, an elementary school teacher made a highlight DVD for all of her students and accidentally included footage from her home sex tape.

Summer camps are taking extra precautions as parents concern over the swine flu continues.

The School Library Journal gets children’s book expert Kathleen Horning to sit down for a chat.

Getting the car ready for the family road trip:

Bravo’s new reality show NYC Prep gets a reality check from parents and critics.

After two months of edge-of-our-seat anticipation, Tobey Maguire finally reveals the name of his new son to be… Otis.

How I Met Your Mother star Cobie Smulders revealed that she and her husband quietly worked on an unofficial spin-off back in May with How I Met My Daughter, Shaelyn Cado Killiam.

Healthy ice cream? Can it really be true?

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The Morning Brew archive

Police officers responded to a domestic disturbance call at Anvarinia’s home on April 13, 2009 and found an intoxicated Anvarinia breast feeding her baby. Health officials say alcohol consumed by breastfeeding mothers can be absorbed into an infant’s system.
Judge Sonja Clapp says Anvarinia will not have to register as an offender against children. Attorneys say that this is the first case of drunken breast-feeding to be prosecuted in North Dakota.