Feeling Buried Alive
In the last year we’ve added a new kid to our household. We have gone on to another year of preschool, added in another rental property, had money woes and a touch of job loss. Pretty average I suppose.
In this time I’ve kept up the house as much as possible with two kids under three. In fact, I think our house is pretty damn sparkling, especially compared to others on our block. I keep my car cleaner than most too. I continue to try and work from home getting up two hours before the kids each day and using all nap times to meet deadlines. In the last few months sickness rained down on all of us and I’ve had more than my share of female/birth control issues since this last kid. Including one scare.
This morning my husband left the house telling me that I never touch him. I show no affection to him. As the door shut I broke down into tears. This hurts. A lot. While I’m not the most affectionate person, I do try. Especially as of late. I schedule “things”. I hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him. More than I do with the kids or the dog. What do I get in return? Yes, he is affectionate but it’s grabbing and asking me lewdly if I want to, “Bang him.” Hilarious isn’t it? Apparently it always is to him. It is the funniest joke in history it seems. He’s serious though and it’s every day.
I’m at a loss now. No matter what I do or say it is never enough. I feel buried under our life and stuck. Each day is another day that I’m running ragged. I feel 109 years old. Yet, look at me! I run and work out, I work, I shower daily, do my hair, wear make-up, wear new clothes and have returned to my pre-pregnancy body. I cook all the meals, I clean the entire house and run all the errands. I do the school run, set up play dates and activities with the kids. It is nothing new or ground-breaking. By the time he comes home I’m exhausted and have little to give but I still try. I try. No matter what, he is my most important concern. But he still doesn’t see it. It is still never enough.
I wish I knew what to do. Short of dropping everything at home and catering only to him. I wish I could do it all but I just can’t.
Thank you Samantha! That helps! I know I can’t do it all but trying to live up to someone else’s expectations is the equivalent to that too. It’s a bit maddening. OK, a lot maddening.
I just want to say that I identify with feeling run ragged, trying to do it all. I gave up trying to do it all and be it all. It doesn’t work and it doesn’t make you feel better or more perfect. Anyway you’re not alone there.